Thursday, 22 February 2018

A letter to my younger dyslexic self...

A letter to my younger dyslexic self:

You are not stupid. I wanted to tell you that. I know right now you believe that and you think you are stupid and worthless but your not .
You struggle with reading,writing, spelling, remembering things, you for speech therapy for your lisp, and you have extra help, you couldn’t ride a bike and to this day you still don’t know how but hey you can drive a car and ride a horse which is a lot better. I know it takes you three times as long to finish homework, I know you try your best and you get bad grades. But that’s okay. You tried. Your not stupid. Your not worthless. Your dyslexic. I know the 8 year old me won’t know what that means, but it’s why you struggle. It’s way you can’t read or write as well as your friends. It’s why you cant remember your homework. It’s why you had to have speech therapy to help you talk for two years. It’s why you think your stupid. People will tease you about all of this but understand this:they are wrong you are not stupid, your dyslexic there is a BIG difference. You won’t put about this until your 13 which is going to be the most awesome day when you understand that you’re not stupid. 

your are not worthless. You are not stupid. 

Dyslexic may be a bad thing in many ways because you struggle with writing and reading when everyone else finds it easy, but they’re some good things to it: 
It’s makes you a creative person with an unlimited imagination. That is the best thing you could ask for. 
You may struggle with reading and writing but you will find a love for it, even if you require special tinted glasses to read.  

You find a love for photography, Art, horse riding, writing, and it turns out your actually really good at those things which maybe if your dyslexia didn’t exist then you might not like or be good at those things. 

Dyslexia is complicated and it means you struggle with writing,reading, memory and spelling and you have to work harder at those things your friends, but it’s good too because it makes you have a creative mind. 

Your not worthless. Your not stupid. 

Your dyslexic there is a big difference!

I know is very different to what I usually write, I just saw a post that someone else wrote where did this and it inspired me to write my own, I typed it to my best friend and it came to me, I hope you like this different blog post. Let me know what you think in the comments below :) 

I will posting a full blog post explaining my dyslexia soon. 
 Sorry that I haven’t posted in a few weeks just been really busy with coursework. 

Thanks for reading 

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Monday, 5 February 2018

Hell Found Me Part 10 x

Hello my little geeks! 

This week since I have been very busy with coursework, I wrote some my short story Hell Found me, I am planning to finish this one soon and planning to start another soon I just have to figure out which ending for this I want to go with. 

I have all the previous parts here if you need to re read any or if you missed something or just want to read them again to remind yourself of the story. They all will open in a new tab so don't worry you won't lose the links to this so you can back and read this when you have caught up :) 




We walk towards the exit and I try and walk slower but I know they have to leave and I cannot leave with them. They talk about the formal some more and I zone out as I am not even sure if I can go to it yet. 
We approach the exit. I notice they have added a security guard at the door since the escape a few days ago. I place my art project on a near by chair as the give me a really tight hug and watch them leave, they wave the visitors passes at the guard at the door and he lets them through. I watch them leave until they are out of sight really wishing I was walking down that hallway with them. I hold back few tears.
 I grab my art project and head to my room. As I am walking there I have to pass through the isolation unit which send a cold draft down my spine. I hear shouting and crying. I freeze unsure of what to do. I see the nurses carrying a patient who was screaming with tears down her face, she just kept screaming “I am not crazy, don’t make me go in there please.” Over and over. They held her down and injected her with something, I am guessing a seductive like them used on me. And placed her in a isolation room and closed the door, walking away. She stopped screaming as I guess the sedative had taken affect.  I fell so bad for her but also hope that doesn’t happen to me. I told myself to go check on her later when the sedative wore off, hope she was okay.
I carried on walking, looking in the tiny window of the room as I walked by. She was strapped down on a bed with her hands and feet tied down.
I eventually got to my room and placed my art project on my desk along side my textbooks and homework to be finished. I collapsed on my bed. After a few minutes of lying there I got out my phone and had a lot of messages. One from Aaron and Ella telling me they love me and what they did today. I responded to that one straight away saying how I missed them and couldn’t wait to come home. A couple from school friends asking if I was okay and when I was coming back to school. I didn’t feel like responding to them right now. A thought occurred I might have to tell them where I really am and that it’s not a kidney infection.  
I looked back at my phone and I had a few texts from Izzy and Becca to say they got home safe. I text them back staying I got back to my room safe and told about the girl I saw on the isolation unit and Izzy texted back with saying “if it makes you feel any better my brother is mentally un stable, you are way more normal then him.” She attached a picture of her younger brother peter dancing in high heels.  that makes me giggle we text back and fourth for a while.  
A nurse comes in, says “checks” writes something on the clipboard and walks off. I check the time and its 6pm and I am really tired but I figured it has been a few hours and I should eat some form of dinner so I grab my headphones and my phone and walk down to the canteen.

I have to walk down the isolation unit to get to the canteen and I check in on that girl from earlier, I check they’re no nurses or doctors around as I don’t know the rules yet but I am pretty sure isolation unit means you not meant to have visitors. It’s safe, I peek through the tiny whole in the door and she is just waking up and trying to get out the restraints, she looks about my age and has a scar on her face, she looks like she needs a friend. I say in hushed tone so I don’t get into trouble “hey my name is Anna, I am new here its my first day in this hell, if you need a friend I am here.” I wait for a response my anxiety sending butterflies and knots in my stomach, what is she doesn’t want a friend or yells at me or something and we get in trouble and I end up in here? Instead she replies in a quiet tone “hey anna, my name is Bethan, and yeah a friend would be good. How old are you? I am 15, been stuck in this hell a few years now.”
“I am 14, and only my first day, I should go before I get caught, but you have a friend now and I will back later after lights out.”
“thanks anna. That means a lot.” I walk and head to the canteen, I swipe my pass and pick up up a few things and put them on my tray, I choose a slice of pizza, a piece of apple pie and some fruit and coke cola. I head to the tables and see Nathan is sat in here, I got sit with him. I approach his table and say “hey Nathan mind if I sit here?” he pulls his headphones out his ears and closes the book he was reading, Harry Potter and the dealthy hallows, good choice I thought to myself.
“yeah go for it. Isabel and Rebecca make it home okay?”
“yeah, Izzy is dealing her crazy family, seriously if you think this place is crazy, you should try her house,” I giggle. And last I heard from Becca was she was putting her little sister to bed. Probably spending the next hour reading her favourite stories to her as speak.”
“cute, I usually read my little brother diary of a wimpy kid before bed as that’s his favourite book, I miss doing that.”
“I know what you mean, if I was at home I would be putting Aaron and Ella to bed and I usually make up a story for them last night it was about a dragon and wizard who had to defeat the evil king. Yeah my stories get random I wont be able to make up a bedtime story for them again for a while.” I trail off and eat some of my pizza.
“I know what you mean it really sucks being in here. At least you might be out in a few months maybe by the formal you three girls were chatting about.”
“I hope so..when I was walking back to my room I saw some nurses putting a girl in the isolation unit they sedated her and everything. I spoke to her just now, and she said her name was Bethan and she was 15 and she sounded like she needed a friend.” Nathan stopped me.
“Bethan.. Anna promise me you will stay away from her please, she is not okay and is trouble.”
“what are you on about? Of course she is not okay none of us are okay or we wouldn’t be in this hell. And she seemed nice.”
“Anna just listen to me okay she is trouble just stay away from her.”
“okay fine if you say so.” Trying to change the subject I say “so tell me about you? I don’t know much other than you love harry potter and you are awesome at art.”
“well I love art and drama, I went to St Wilfreds, I am in a band called “the arrows” I play bass, that’s I really.”
“that’s it?” sounding very unconvinced “surely there is more, like why are you in here?”
“oh come on Anna, don’t make me talk about it.”
“nathan please I promise if you tell me about your crazy I will tell you mine. Parents divorce and the great escape and everything. Please?”
“ okay fine, since I really want to hear about the great escape. Okay so about 3 years ago I started self harming, he shuffle his shirt so cover what looked like a bandage and some old scars, and I have depression I have been stuck in here by dad and my evil step mom who want me to go back to normal since then that’s it.  Your turn?”
“wow…okay my turn I guess.” I tell him everything right from the moment my parents told us they were getting a divorce, my first panic attack landing me in the hospital, to the great escape up until right now. It took a while as it is a long story but he was sympatric, kind understanding and even made me laugh at some parts.
“so yeah apparently I have anxiety and border line personality disorder whatever that means, and until they think I am okay I cannot leave. I just really hope I am out for the formal, I want to be able to go, and be a normal teenager, and I especially want to be home for Christmas, Aaron and Ella  would be so sad if I had to spend Christmas in here. Oh god I hadn’t even thought about Christmas? Will I still be in here? Will I have to spend half Christmas with my dad and half with mum? Not that will make much difference we never see dad at Christmas anyway. He is always working. will he have found a new job by Christmas? Will we have any money for Christmas?” Nathan could see the panic in me and to avoid a panic attack he said “hey I know it’s hard but try and not worry about things you have no control over.” Its like he knows exactly what to say to calm me down. “I sure you will be out and home for Christmas and I sure your dad will be able to find a new job. What is he does? I think my dad might hiring for his company at the minute I could put in a good word?”
“that so sweet Nathan thanks, I think he does something with business management and finance, I don’t know specifically.”
“well that’s a weird coincidence, my dad’s company is all about finance and business management and he needs someone to look after a new section, I could put in a good word for your dad and he will get in touch.”
“thanks Nathan that would take a lot of my mind.”
We finish up eating out dinner I eat as much as I can but I know I haven’t eaten enough. Nathan and I chat about a few more things, about our favourite school subjects and least favourite and he tells me about his school, I tell him about mine. We head back to our rooms for the night. We walk down the isolation unit and I say “let check up on Bethan, she in this room I think.”
Nathan interrupts me “Remember what I said at dinner she is trouble stay away.”
“You do what you what you want Nathan but I am going to talk her for minutes she needs a friend in this hell, I will catch you in the morning goodnight.” I snap back.
“whatever don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he walks off.
I check or no nurses hanging around as I pretty sure isolation means no visitors and I really don’t want to get into trouble.
I look in and check she is awake, “hey it’s Anna, your friend from earlier remember?”
“oh hey anna,” she sounded tired and confused, “sorry they have me so many meds I cant think straight.”
“don’t worry about it, just hang in there okay, and maybe when you’re out of this room we can hang out probably.” I speak quietly and I keep looking over my shoulders for nurses as I don’t want to get into trouble.
“yeah I would like that,” she sounded like the meds were taking affect again, “anyway I should probably get some sleep I can stay awake on this meds, and you go you shouldn’t really be talking to me, thanks anna see you when I get out of this room.” She sounded like she had fallen asleep so I left and headed back to my room.  
 I collapsed on my bed so tired and exhausted from the day. A nurse comes in and shouts “checks” and than leaves. I decide to jump in the shower and get ready for bed. I got to my bag and get out my favourite lush shower gel “snow fairy” and get out my favourite harry potter PJs grab my phone and my giant fluffy Hufflepuff dressing down and my Disney towel and head in my ensuite bathroom locking the door behind me. I am so lucky my parents were able to get me my own bathroom I would hate to have to use the public showers. I switch on my youtube and find my favourite playlist and get a shower. After a few minutes of washing and singing way to loud and not very well I get out and put my comfy PJs and dressing gown on.
As I grab my hair brush to brush through my hair a nurse shouts “checks,” writes someone thing on her board and leaves.
I take my plait out and brush through my mane of hair. After a while of brushing of all the knots I put it up in a lose pony tail for the night.  I grab my laptop to watch some youtube and get as comfy as I can on the itchy hospital bed. I check the time and it’s 8pm quite earlier for sleep. I decide to try and call Ella and Aaron as it’s almost their bedtime and I feel like telling them a story. I facetime ella’s ipad, and she answers straight away. They are both very excited to talk to me, I am probably not helping them calm down for bedtime.  I tell them to get comfy as I tell them a story. I make one up about a princess being trapped in a tower who is rescued by a prince on a white stallion.  As I finish up my story they start to feel sleepy but they question me about how it is and when am I getting out. I don’t have a specific answer right now I just tell them “soon” and I remind them they can visit tomorrow as it’s Saturday. Aaron tells me in the morning he has a pirate birthday party but will come down after as long as mum and dad let them. They fall off to sleep and I turn off the call.
I log on to youtube and I check my subscriptions and I have missed a lot of fun videos today so I get started, plug in headphones so I don’t disturb anyone and get watching.  After a few hours I check the time and its gone 10 pm so I close my laptop down for the night. As I get up to brush my teeth a nurse walks in with a tray. On the tray is a cup of water and some pills in a tiny cup.
“take these.” She says handing me the pill cup forcefully.
“what are they?”
“sleeping medication, take them and if you don’t like them discuss it with Doctor Mayfield” she states in a stern voice.
I do as she asks, putting the pills in my mouth , swalling with some water and open my mouth to let her check. She walks off.
I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and head back to bed taking my dressing off putting in on my desk chair. I climb into the itchy hospital bed.
I check my phone one last time and have a few texts from Izzy and Becca, we text back and forth until my eyes close.




Thanks for reading!

Hope you enjoyed let me know what you think in the comments :)

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Thursday, 1 February 2018

Bonjour Paris!

Hello my little geeks! 

First let me apologise for being offline for a few weeks, I went on a family holiday to Florida over Christmas and have had a very very busy January! Next week I will be posting a life update/blog of the month to explain  every fun thing that has happened this month but this is just all the Paris trip I went on last week with college. If not because I want to share what I did with you all, but for my own memories and nostalgia as this was such a fun trip!

Be prepared for lots of photography, some rambling about the trip, and maybe a few weird stories!

 Honestly , it was one of my most favourite college trips I have been on. Paris is such a beautiful city, very arty and creative I loved it! Other then getting followed out the Louve by a creep of a guy (more on that later..) and one girl getting rather drunk and spilling wine in the hotel room, and generally being scared and confused by french people it was a fun trip. 

Let's start at the beginning of the week shall we?


Monday began early as we got early and meet at the train station, and once all our group was there we set off to Paris, we go the train to London and then got the Eurostar. Travelling down took pretty much all day we got their early evening and once we all made ourselves as comfy as possible in the tiniest hotel rooms. I manged to bagsy the single bed but I still didnt sleep well this week the beds were not comfy and I couldn't wait for my own bed later that week! other then that not bad really.  That evening was abit of a blur (not because alcohol but because how tired I was.) I think we went for drinks and pizza out somewhere local and headed back to the hotel. 


 We got up, had breakfast and set off early morning, first stop, the Effiel Tower! Its amazing, if you have never done this and you can at some stage I highly recommend! I have done it a few times now and the magic and the excitment doesn't go away and you get the most stunning view of Paris.

After that we went to the Musee d'Orsay which if you haven't been is a beautiful building with the most stunning art work. I love Van Gohs work and it is so beautiful in real life! you get to see his technique and colours brought to life.

Later we went to a taxidermy shop (animals that are stuffed and made into furniture, don't worry they are all almost dead anyway either injured or sick and had to be killed anyway so they didn't suffer don't worry) which freaked me out alot and it was a small place and I got freaked out so I went to stand outside and had a pretty big panic attack while everyone shopped.

Later, people went out for dinner and drinks but I didn't feel up to joining, both physically and anxiety wise so I brought something in the local shop, eat in my hotel room, watched YouTube and read some of the book I had with me, which I needed. 


Wednesday started early, after breakfast we headed to sacre cre and monematre area which is just beautiful and has the most amazing view of Paris, but be prepared to walk up lots of stairs! totally worth the exercise though! I got a drawing done by a lovely artist, who told I look happy and have lovely blue eyes, that bring positivity and luck,! he also mentioned something about I will find a boyfriend in the city of love and next time I come back and have my picture done by him. Which he probably just said that so he could get on my good side so I pay him more but I thought he was very lovely.

Then I walked around a few lovely streets and bought some cute posters of paris for my wall art, (sorry you will have wait to see these posters along with the rest of my wall, for when I do my room tour blog post when I paint my bedroom! sorry I know I can be mean!)

We went to the Catacombs which if you don't know what that is, basically it's a bunch of tunnels where the walls are made from skeletons, bones, skulls and dead bodies. Yes walls of dead people, you read that right! I actually did it as well, I went down the tunnels and got some amazingly freaky shots. I cannot believe I actually did this,as I was so freaked out about :

-dead bodies
-spirits of the dead (yes I believe in ghosts)

yeah anxiety wise this was a very big deal for me but I did it and I am very proud of myself for it.

Then after the catacombs we headed to Notre Dame. If you have never seen Notre Dame it is so beautiful church ever, I highly recommend you go see it at some stage in your life, it's worth the trip.

Then after that we headed back to the hotel, and we had about an hour to relax I think I took a small nap and watched some youtube and then got changed to got out for dinner. I can't remember the name of the place but it was lovely food even it was slightly pricey.


Thursday was a very busy day since it was our last full day in Paris. We started the day of early with heading to the concept store (a very art/creative shop). We then went to a couple of other shops.

after that we headed to the Picasso Museum which I loved as I got to see his work in real life, I have admired his work for years but only on the internet, it was so much different and better being able to see it in real life.

We then went to the Louve museum later, which was interesting. I saw the mona lisa which I think is the most overrated painting ever painted. If you got o see it be prepared to be disappointed. A tiny painting of  dull woman with glass on top and then a crowd of 30 other people in front of you. I don't see what all the fuss is about, definitely better paintings that are more interesting out there. I really enjoyed the louve though they're some beautiful paintings there. it was not fun getting out though. Remember earlier I mentioned a creepy guy following me and some other students out. be prepared for a ramble story. You may skip this section and carry on after this story if you wish, it is very long.

We had just come out the Mona Lisa, sat on a circular bench in the middle of a busy gallery. me about 9 other students from my college were sat on this bench just chatting away as we were really tired after a long day and walking around and we had to leave soon anyway. I was chatting to a girl called Penny, (not her real name but lets call her that for the sake of this post) and another girl noticed a guy was circling out bench a few times and watching us. she hinted to us and Penny told me "get up, bring your stuff we need to leave," in a normal trying not to sound panicked voice I recognise this voice expect it's normally my voice speaking. We walked fast but tried to act normal and not draw any attention to ourselves, but as we were a group of 10 girls we drew some attention as we stood out bit. `we had to walk down a long corridor of 1800 century paintings  I asked Penny (who I was stood near and was trying to keep with as she walks faster than me) what's happening? as I was innocently oblivious as always but guessed something was up by the panic in the others. she calmly explained to me a guy with a blue scarf, glasses, and a hair bun was following us and we needed to leave and get to our tutor. Once Penny secretly pointed him out to me without drawing attention, I caught up and came out my own head and started to panic a little. I had never been followed before but I figured I was with a bunch of other students, in a busy gallery in the middle of the day what could happen?

He was still hoovering and watching us, wherever we tried to go he went too. As we got down the corridor we entered a seating area which lead into another part of the gallery near the stairs to the exits. we decided to hoover and sit on the chairs as he walked though this section. we hoped if we hoovered and waited he would get lost in the crowds but we still had to walk in his direction to be able to leave. We considered calling out tutor for help but we couldn't since the louve is underground and we all checked and we had no signal. only option was to getup, walk downstairs and toward the exit hoping he was lost in the crowd and couldn't find us. that did not happen. instead what happened was he found us and still watched and followed us. we got to a stair case which led down to the ticket check and gift shop area and out to the exit. there was two staircases. One main stairway which was very busy and we thought might be a good option as he could get lost and caught in the crowds but we could get separated in the crowds and what if he managed to snatch one of us. the other option was an empty staircase which could work as we wouldn't have to dodge around people and could run fast but he could grab one us. either way we had a risk of him catching one of us but we forged the empty stairs were our best option as we could run fast without bumping into other members of the public. we ran as fast as we could down the stairs and down the corridor to the security/ticket check area. me and Penny were at the front with the others only a couple of steps behind.  he still followed. Penny then raced up to the security people and explained what was happening and we needed help. the other catch up to us and he kept walking and hoovered in the gift shop just next to where we were.  As the other girls caught up they got bit angry at penny for telling security as they thought if we just keep running to our tutor we would be okay without fuss but I think Penny did the right thing as what if he snatched one us outside? or followed us to our hotel we could be in so much danger.

Security was definitely the best thing to do in the situation. seriously to anyone reading this if you ever feel in danger or threatened by someone even if you think our just being paranoid tell a security guard/police officer/ member of staff. Please do this as it's better to be paranoid and safe then in danger.

back to the story. we were still stood by security unsure of what to do. we tried calling out tutor but no signal. They spoke to him and he acted all innocent, they thought we were just being paranoid, a few of us got very panicky and upset. I was panicking on the inside but as everyone else was panicking I didn't want to make it worse so I used a trick I always use to mange to kept the panic in my head and spaced out in my head for a little bit.

after some translating between security guards, they told us they would watch him to make sure he stayed in louve and didn't follow us home and they escorted us out through some blocked of staircases. I really appreciate how helpful they were, as even thought they thought we were just being scared and paranoid which we probably were to be honest but they till helped us out and made us feel safe and got us to our tutors all safe and sound.

long story over now we got back to our tutors safe and explained what happened took a few minutes to calm down and travelled back to the hotel. We then went out for dinner were a had a lovely pizza cooked right in front of us (we were sat next to the kitchen and pizza oven that was fun) and even though it was the most expensive meal I have had in ages, it was lovely.

After rather full stomachs and empty wallets, we set of to hopefully see the Eiffel Tower light up, which we only just caught it, it lights up every hour for 5 minutes and it was chucking it down with rain and we all got soaked but it was worth it as seeing it light up was magical!

Got back to the hotel and went straight to bed as it was late.


We set off Friday with the morning in Galaries Lafayette which is a very fancy very expensive shopping centre. after wondering around the disney store, (obviously only shop I wanted to go in) I bought a little mickey mouse. then I spent the rest of the morning while my classmates were shopping writing these blog notes.

Then we went to grab our luggage and set off on the journey home. I got back late on Friday night, and issued my family, my dog and most importantly my bed as there is nothing like your own bed.

This trip was so much fun, I feel socially I could have done better, I just always feel like an outsider with friends special when in college and always struggle with making friends and particularly on this trip I felt whatever opinion or whatever I said was laughed at. I think okay though as I managed to make a couple of friends like Penny and another girl so overall not bad. Anxiety wise it was a tough week but I did well all things considering and I had fun which is the most important thing.

Have you ever been to Paris? If so what was your favourite thing you did?

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Thanks for reading

Love you all lots!

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